Friendship is hard...

So long as I can remember, I've loved being someone's friend. And I'm a good person who has a kind and generous personality. I have fun interests and hobbies. I enjoy talking about philosophical ideas, funny jokes, and remember the details about you. I'm loyal, willing to work on myself and hold strong through thick and thin. I put in the effort, you know? I moved away from home at 16 to pursue hockey and go to a private school. I left behind what I knew and the family and friends I had. That's a big decision for anyone to make. The school I left I wasn't really happy to be there, never got invited to anything outside of my sports and school hours. I was kind, funny, and well liked but wasn't into being popular, so, that was it. Also, my mom's decreasing mental health was really starting to wear on me though I didn't know it fully until I went away. I made fast friends in the dorms and it was amazing. Everything I ever wanted! We talked, we shared ideas, we enjoyed all our free time together - we grew up together. But, after 2 years we graduated, moved away, lost touch, life stuff changed. You get so preoccupied with the busyness of work, apartments, life that you forget about each other, the friend you needed to make time for. We tried in each place we tried to lay down roots. And sometimes it stuck but then life changes again and we're out of the same circles. It's harder to make the effort. We'd really try but it takes two to tango, and if you're the ones always initiating it can feel lopsided and unappreciated. It's not a nice feeling. I've even tried starting interests groups, sports teams, social clubs, all to no avail. I'm usually always the one committed to the gathering and it gets exhausting carrying the load. So, here I am, facing 40 soon, always thinking that the 'midlife crisis' wasn't for me but perhaps the existential angst is inescapable. What's it all for if you don't have someone to share it with? I have been taking more time to be very intentional with my children and wife. They are so rewarding and fulfilling to be around. It certainly helps stem the tide. And I am very determined to enjoy our time together while they are still little and need most of my time. I love them so much. My wife is my best friend, there's no issue there. I can tell her everything and anything. We've always been great companions and on level ground in thought, intellect, and intrigue. What a gift that is! But, she can't shoulder it all, and neither can I for her. She feels the same way I do about friends, but is more reserved about sharing. She's stronger than me. We comfort one another about it. And I thank God for her in my life. Some people don't have that and if I ever get too down about my lack of prospects, I have to remind myself I have something most people would kill for in a partner. So it helps for sure. Yet, every so often, I can't seem to shake the feeling that I could make room for a friend, that perhaps someone might want me as their friend. It's a lovely thought, but it is quite common for men to feel quite along during this period in their lives. Makes me sad to think that we could start to figure it out by just getting together with the other lonely men needing a buddy, someone to let them know they're in it together and have a laugh. So, these are my thoughts, cast out into the void hopelessly waiting for an answer. Do you recognize me? I'm sure there's someone that knows that gutted feeling, always lingering. I hope you are well.